the great balancing act
today, was a monday at school. somehow, things around me already feel different. i dare say that my mood today was retarded. swinging around like tarzan on heroin. i just dont know what to expect anymore. so currently having 0 expectations and just living life, as much as i want the happiness, love and belonging.
lectures were uneventful, i got pissed at yuqi for awhile today. but i hope you know its all a joke. deep inside i still love you la. touched or not^^ so cute la, even made jan not talk to her. retarded, and childish? but thats the way to treat someone who IS retarded and childish.
council commendation prac started at 4. ended at 8 plus, thank god it did. hours are so long, we could just die from the exhaustion. but i guess we all know what we were in for when we handed in the yellow forms to become a councillor! i just am thankful there are still so many people to rely on for strength when the going gets tough. gogo 31st!
those feelings i had of losing people are sort of dying now, although i do suffer from it still, accounting for my random mood shifts. i mean i just told myself, that if ever we drifted, theres a reason for that right? so if it really happens, i'll just put it behind me. yup, decided this today. but most importantly, is also to chase your own happiness. if you really want it, go for it, and hold it there. no use sitting back and hope something happens or in another case that nothing will happen to the friendships. you have to make the conscious effort regardless of the busy schedules, love life, church life. whatever. yeah. its just a great seesaw, a great balancing act we all have to do just so we can maintain even any trace of happiness in our lives.
well, i really want to put these feelings behind me and just live to love right now. so many things i want to do, and can do. so much things to live for, so much things to chase for. i want to be able to be there for all of them, especially when they need me, right now at least theres someone that makes me happy, just effortlessly, along with a group of others. think you all know who you are(:
amanda: well i dont really know whats wrong now, maybe you might tell me later. but yeah, cheer up! lifes too short too fast to be spent sad. i learnt this just. really. life's happiness is there for us to chase, to gain. eat ice cream and everything will be okay.
lectures were uneventful, i got pissed at yuqi for awhile today. but i hope you know its all a joke. deep inside i still love you la. touched or not^^ so cute la, even made jan not talk to her. retarded, and childish? but thats the way to treat someone who IS retarded and childish.
council commendation prac started at 4. ended at 8 plus, thank god it did. hours are so long, we could just die from the exhaustion. but i guess we all know what we were in for when we handed in the yellow forms to become a councillor! i just am thankful there are still so many people to rely on for strength when the going gets tough. gogo 31st!
those feelings i had of losing people are sort of dying now, although i do suffer from it still, accounting for my random mood shifts. i mean i just told myself, that if ever we drifted, theres a reason for that right? so if it really happens, i'll just put it behind me. yup, decided this today. but most importantly, is also to chase your own happiness. if you really want it, go for it, and hold it there. no use sitting back and hope something happens or in another case that nothing will happen to the friendships. you have to make the conscious effort regardless of the busy schedules, love life, church life. whatever. yeah. its just a great seesaw, a great balancing act we all have to do just so we can maintain even any trace of happiness in our lives.
well, i really want to put these feelings behind me and just live to love right now. so many things i want to do, and can do. so much things to live for, so much things to chase for. i want to be able to be there for all of them, especially when they need me, right now at least theres someone that makes me happy, just effortlessly, along with a group of others. think you all know who you are(:
amanda: well i dont really know whats wrong now, maybe you might tell me later. but yeah, cheer up! lifes too short too fast to be spent sad. i learnt this just. really. life's happiness is there for us to chase, to gain. eat ice cream and everything will be okay.
that smile, that laugh, that can erase all my pain away.
black&white ; 10:24 PM
believing in yourself
today, was routine, to an extent, nothing new. went to church, helped out with the kids again. and after church had leadership meeting. went all the way to MUSTAFA by myself, to get myself a pair of black shoes. I LOST THE PAIR I BOUGHT JUST FOR COMMENDATION. WHAT THE HELL! so yeah, went all the way there cause i heard from cheney that mustafa has cheap formal shoes. wasnt really disappointed, but yeah, im surprised i even dared to go in.
the afternoon was wiled away watching kung fu panda online and playing dota. nothing much to say there. kung fu panda, totally retarded, as usual, it has a moral to learn. like every other pixar animation since, toys story? this ones about BELIEVING IN YOURSELF, and at the same time working as a team. haha so council-ish. "what are some debrief pointers?", familiar?
well, wanted to go out for dinner, but apparently SOMEONE, isnt free. RAHHH! eating ben and jerrys without me somemore. whats this man! got good things must share right.
at least, today wasnt so emo. but as i type this, i begin to reflect and realise how lonely i feel. as much as i can live by myself, and totally be the funny person you all know me to be. somewhere, deep inside, i have a yearning. to be recognised, to be cherished, to be loved. by who, thats another story. but, i just want it, want it so badly, but i know i cant have it. maybe i can, but i wont allow myself to? ah well, i just hope that things continue to look brighter. really looking forward to school now! weekends feel super lonely, maybe aside from church. school days have all the nice people to talk to! jan, ally, yuqi, huiying, amanda and boonling, oh oh and my paes12, and jaes14 HAHA. going to school would SUCK without you people la. i just hope things stay the same, and that i can get what i want too! selfish little me.
the afternoon was wiled away watching kung fu panda online and playing dota. nothing much to say there. kung fu panda, totally retarded, as usual, it has a moral to learn. like every other pixar animation since, toys story? this ones about BELIEVING IN YOURSELF, and at the same time working as a team. haha so council-ish. "what are some debrief pointers?", familiar?
well, wanted to go out for dinner, but apparently SOMEONE, isnt free. RAHHH! eating ben and jerrys without me somemore. whats this man! got good things must share right.
at least, today wasnt so emo. but as i type this, i begin to reflect and realise how lonely i feel. as much as i can live by myself, and totally be the funny person you all know me to be. somewhere, deep inside, i have a yearning. to be recognised, to be cherished, to be loved. by who, thats another story. but, i just want it, want it so badly, but i know i cant have it. maybe i can, but i wont allow myself to? ah well, i just hope that things continue to look brighter. really looking forward to school now! weekends feel super lonely, maybe aside from church. school days have all the nice people to talk to! jan, ally, yuqi, huiying, amanda and boonling, oh oh and my paes12, and jaes14 HAHA. going to school would SUCK without you people la. i just hope things stay the same, and that i can get what i want too! selfish little me.
the people i have come to love. surprising cause it took so little to do so(: oh and there are more that arent in the picture. this was at united square BEN AND JERRYS.
just give me a little, thats all i ask
black&white ; 7:35 PM
its bittersweet
okay, my first proper post. before i go into all the deeeeep stuff. lets run through what happened today. okay full day seminar at church till 5pm. felt good at the end, somehow, my life now has direction. i know what i got, i know what i want, i know what to do. (i think xP) then went to watch WANTED with ally jan kayla joan and darren. haha 2 SA ppl and church ppl, damn cute la altogether. thanks to me. well i dont know but the show was funny. haha cool and funny? yet lame at certain parts. but funny yes, and vulgar? HELL YEA! haha
after that kayla joan darren and myself rushhhhed to fetch stace from the airport. my dear cousin is back from aust! WELCOME BACK STACE. if you even get to read this haha(: durian craze begins! and finally catch up with all the long talks. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. so many more people have walked in my life, and stayed. some went out. others, im not sure whats going to happen? but yeah, seems to me its going to change
well i touch on this from jan's blog. i really think paes12 is different. people have changed. people are different. no doubt the closeness is still there, felt good talking to all of them again. specially after dinner, after ms giraffe supposedly left her bottle at subway. just walking down orchard, chatting with gwen, made my happy all inside. crapping with the old people!
guess this is cause its in direct contrast with whats been happening. reunion vs seperation. all my life, people have been entering my gate of life. and i try so hard to make them stay. each and everyone. but it seems, lately, i cant do that. people come and go. i feel like a hotelroom.
then there are those times, i felt really close, and then distant and close again. oh man, im confused! what do i want now? why cant you just stay constant! instead of trying to be different all the time. i want you the way you are. i want this i want that. i want something, i cant have.
in any case, think after all the exco postions was announced, was really the fuel to my flame of insecurities. jan ally and yuqi all have postions! not that i feel sad i didnt get a postion, but i just know its going to be different. cause of time, or maybe even cause of the new bonds made. i just know it, it'll change, its just a matter of time. pardon the pessimisticity (is that a word) or the negativity, you all know this isnt really me. but yeah, i just know it. i feel it. and im afraid, just so scared, that i may have to put behind what i held so dear again. i just wish wish wish things wouldnt change.
well, today overall, feel sufficiently off. so many things would not go my way today. happy things turned neutral. neutral to sad. i just wish wish wish people would remain the same. selfish of me to expect that? but heck, whats love but a catalyst for jealousy and self centredness. i just wish, there was a guide, a person, anything, i could follow, that can sort out all i feel now, just everything. i want someone to just come in, and take control. give me back that sense of confidence and accomplishment in myself that i used to have. pack up this messy hotelroom.
woosh, that was alot to say. really. but i mean, whats a blog if you dont just lay down everything. going to conference soon, and a htht. hopefully, it doesnt make me feel any worse, but at least i know i being there for someone or some people.
this hotelroom needs you. love, an elixir(:
black&white ; 11:12 PM
ohwells, it's ally here blogging for mervyn !
im glad it's up (:
just that mervyn is being a lazy bum and trying to make us blog hop to piece the puzzle together.
i miss blogger ! okay, this is random but ohwells (:
Cheers, Ally.
black&white ; 2:00 PM
i suppose every blog must start somewhere.
this just being a test so i can check out my new layout!
took me so bloody long to figure out.
no thanks to the new blogger design nonsense interfering with the coding.
black&white ; 11:51 PM