okay, my first proper post. before i go into all the deeeeep stuff. lets run through what happened today. okay full day seminar at church till 5pm. felt good at the end, somehow, my life now has direction. i know what i got, i know what i want, i know what to do. (i think xP) then went to watch WANTED with ally jan kayla joan and darren. haha 2 SA ppl and church ppl, damn cute la altogether. thanks to me. well i dont know but the show was funny. haha cool and funny? yet lame at certain parts. but funny yes, and vulgar? HELL YEA! haha

after that kayla joan darren and myself rushhhhed to fetch stace from the airport. my dear cousin is back from aust! WELCOME BACK STACE. if you even get to read this haha(: durian craze begins! and finally catch up with all the long talks. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. so many more people have walked in my life, and stayed. some went out. others, im not sure whats going to happen? but yeah, seems to me its going to change

well i touch on this from jan's blog. i really think paes12 is different. people have changed. people are different. no doubt the closeness is still there, felt good talking to all of them again. specially after dinner, after ms giraffe supposedly left her bottle at subway. just walking down orchard, chatting with gwen, made my happy all inside. crapping with the old people!

guess this is cause its in direct contrast with whats been happening. reunion vs seperation. all my life, people have been entering my gate of life. and i try so hard to make them stay. each and everyone. but it seems, lately, i cant do that. people come and go. i feel like a hotelroom.

then there are those times, i felt really close, and then distant and close again. oh man, im confused! what do i want now? why cant you just stay constant! instead of trying to be different all the time. i want you the way you are. i want this i want that. i want something, i cant have.

in any case, think after all the exco postions was announced, was really the fuel to my flame of insecurities. jan ally and yuqi all have postions! not that i feel sad i didnt get a postion, but i just know its going to be different. cause of time, or maybe even cause of the new bonds made. i just know it, it'll change, its just a matter of time. pardon the pessimisticity (is that a word) or the negativity, you all know this isnt really me. but yeah, i just know it. i feel it. and im afraid, just so scared, that i may have to put behind what i held so dear again. i just wish wish wish things wouldnt change.

well, today overall, feel sufficiently off. so many things would not go my way today. happy things turned neutral. neutral to sad. i just wish wish wish people would remain the same. selfish of me to expect that? but heck, whats love but a catalyst for jealousy and self centredness. i just wish, there was a guide, a person, anything, i could follow, that can sort out all i feel now, just everything. i want someone to just come in, and take control. give me back that sense of confidence and accomplishment in myself that i used to have. pack up this messy hotelroom.

woosh, that was alot to say. really. but i mean, whats a blog if you dont just lay down everything. going to conference soon, and a htht. hopefully, it doesnt make me feel any worse, but at least i know i being there for someone or some people.

black&white ; 11:12 PM