Saturday, July 5, 2008
moving on
friday college day event. street market and all. woo fun! super high day. did lotsa random stuff, but it made me happy(: hope it made others too. i wanted so much to share my joy with others, but its becoming so hard. really hard. and i just, i just cant anymore. im sorry. i want you all to be happy, to be happy when i am, and not the other way round. but yeah, its really becoming to hard. i have to learn to let go.
jan ally yuqi huiying and i ran around for the fun challenge. was indeed fun, memories such as these i will definitely take away, and treasure. i just wished we would all remain like that forever. but the best part is, i no longer will be pained, by stuff such as this.
all those small stuff we did together, however small and insignificant, i treasured and looked on as important. i mean, if you all dont feel that its important, its okay really, i just want you all to know how much it all meant to me. those phonecalls, those laughs, those conferences.
well the night was sufficiently fun, ushered for the college day ceremony. had entrance duty and food serving duty, so many cause i was labelled under 'OTHERS'. crapped around with verine and the 30th! so fun, like seeing them in a different light, after selection camp, ltc, and commend pracs. hope to bond with more of them.
went to huiyings house after, though it was meant to be a night of bonding and fun. but, things happened and, well, no, it didnt feel like that. there was a time, a time where, no matter what, no matter when, we would go. just as long as we all would be together, it didnt matter. i miss those times, i want them all back , but look what it has done to us. all trapped in our own individual worlds, at least i know IM trapped.
morning, and i had to go KAP to meet jason, eric and weili to finish council proposal. reported so late, but we managed to get alot done. i shall meet them online soon, to finish up the last bit, and hand it in on time.
went to cousins place for house warming. did the usual eating and talking and watched i am legend. was fun, and then i had a htht with my cell mates. the people i grew up with, felt so good, just unloading everything, all these feelings i had for so long. i felt so close, so belonged again, that i felt happy inside, just knowing no matter what there are people out there. i just wished ALL of them would remain.
well, i just want you all to know. whatever we had, whatever time we spent, all remain in me. and anytime you all ask, i can tell you whatever we went through together. i know that its not your fault, or perhaps it is, i really dont know, but it doesnt matter. i just want you to know, frankly, im tired. i have been trying, trying so hard, to ensure this circle doesnt break. but now, its really, just stretching stretching more and more, and im the rubber band in that circle, absorbing all that stretching. well, i dont want to snap at you all, i dont want to be hurt anymore, i just cant take this. so i'm moving on, im leaving, all this time i want you all to know, ive been bringing you all back, pulling when i had to, tugging even when i couldnt. well the time has come, ive tried all i can and well, its just not working. im really tearing now, as i say this, but i hope someone, somebody will let you know that i fought, i fought really hard. and that i didnt want this. i really just wanted it to all be as it was. selfish of me i know, but yeah, i cannot expect so much from you all, i just wish you all, all the best. and that even if we may not have time to see or meet or whatever, that you all remain in my heart, part of the reason why i smile, i laugh.
<<彩虹>>
哪里有彩虹告诉我
能不能把我的愿望还给我
为什么天这么安静
所有的云都跑到我这里
有没有口罩一个给我
释怀说了太多就成真不了
也许时间是一种解药
也是我现在正服下的毒药
看不见你的笑 我怎么睡得着
你的声音这么近我却抱不到
没有地球太阳还是会绕
没有理由我也能自己走
你要离开 我知道很简单
你说依赖 是我们的阻碍
就算放开 但能不能别没收我的爱
当作我最后才明白
有没有口罩一个给我
释怀说了太多就成真不了
也许时间是一种解药
也是我现在正服下的毒药
看不见你的笑 我怎么睡得着
你的声音这么近我却抱不到
没有地球太阳还是会绕
没有理由我也能自己走
你要离开 我知道很简单
你说依赖 是我们的阻碍
就算放开 但能不能别没收我的爱
当作我最后才明白
看不见你的笑 要我怎么睡得着
你的身影这么近我却抱不到
没有地球太阳还是会绕会绕
没有理由我也能自己走掉
是我说了太多就成真不了
也许时间是一种解药解药
也是我现在正服下的毒药
你要离开 我知道很简单
你说依赖 是我们的阻碍
就算放开 但能不能别没收我的爱
当作我最后才明白
i fought, i fought really hard
black&white ; 10:45 PM
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
the big messup
"you must be strong, and carry on, cause i know, i dont belong, here in heaven..." this songs just keeps ringing over in my mind. maybe because it sorta represent me right now. in all the decisions i have to make, over my social life, school life and such. i really am at a loss! i dont know who to go to! for some, i know what their answers may be cause they have certain biasness. i just want a truly OBJECTIVE opinion as we learnt in GP today.
school was a brutal torture today. i think i was freaking dulaning the whole day. somehow sitting beside friends didnt even make me feel all that great, though it did help. but yeah, all my confusion, adding the kind of attitudes of the people around me, made further worse my commend prac and the too much thinking! today was bad bad bad. really, i have nothing good to say about today, except maybe the morning skit lol. funny, cute maybe? haha! "HERE ARE YOUR BROWNIES!" lol
well, i just want to encourage all my friends, even as we await more results. please dont worry anymore, whats done is done. so what if they are going to see our parents if we dont hit the promotional mark. its already been done, what matters is what we do from hence forth. so perhaps what we can try and do, is continue to go to school, not dreading the fact you have to receive more results but enjoying it, i mean we HAVE to get through it anyway. hopefully, my being there as well as others will make it better for you all la.
at least i feel council's getting closer. with the many many more adhoc committees like NETS and DNS. hahah then started talking to more council people today. like LINYU! hahaha. played dota with weili and jonathan. hahah glad to know there are so many likeable ppl in council. was afraid i'd be too weird cause im not the serious kind! i have a impt postion in council, more impt than exco, its the joker! i swear i would miss this, if i ever had to leave.
i dont really want to say much things emo. today simply spoke for itself, with my mind in such a whirl. i feel someone has spooned out the contents of my brain and thrown it into a blender on 'high'. how? what a shitty place to be in! what more, there were so many things just bad. that i cannot even remember what im so low about, exactly, its all just one big messup up there.
oh and our class stall for sa street market. woo! the price was too high, so we are winding up operations even before opening! haha minimise losses to the max!
cause i know, i dont belong here with you, in heaven.
black&white ; 11:49 PM
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
leavin'
my right knee is totally busted. killed me during council prac today, especially the end. as usual we had our lonnnnnng practice, while our classmates just laughed at us knowing they could go off 7 hours earlier at 3 30. how i just wish that everyone i know, knows what we are going through right now. haha, then maybe they might come to appreciate student councillors more. i really hope, we are not as see as the segregators. the ones who are above the rest. i really want things to stay the same with all my friends that are in house council, soccer, whatever! just yeah, to be the same, i know its hard.
lectures today, got back MATHS AND CHEM. my worst two subject. both Us as expected. 3 treats collected already haha! but aside from that, im about to make a major decision. my heart and my mind tell me different things. sometimes, i really just want to give in. but yeah, gotta be sure!
so, what to do? i ask you now? how?
im at a loss
stuck
refusing to make a decision
sometimes, i want someone to do it for me
and i know it'll all change
not just cause of them
but yeah, me, and my life.
sometimes, i wished, i was in another place, but can meet the same friends.
i dont like the life im living in now.
i want to leave it
and move on.
moving on? yeah sure, but so many things holding me back. especially all of them. the people i have come to like, love and treasure. what to do i ask you!
and thats just one problem. theres still another! haha. shit why so much problems coming at once. but this one really isnt a real problem. it just concerns my happiness haha! whether or not i really WANT it. i really dont know, im afraid situations and such may screw whatever decision i make. but i know for sure what my heart tells me(:
in any case, this is just a shoutout too ally jan yuqi huiying boonling and amanda! hahhaha THANKS LOTS la. no matter what okay, in my heart, forever. distance can only do so much to our relationship ok. whats distance but a measurement in the world right. we go so much more than that. then theres the s12 people, dont say i leave your out or what. i know leah ALWAYS complaining! frankly, its getting hurtful leh. you know how much we really dont want to be like this. and its making us in a difficult position too, you know how much we wanna just clone ourselves?
i want to bring you to a place, far far away. take it, hold on tight, close your eyes. we're off.
black&white ; 11:15 PM
