didnt have time to update. more like, i didnt have the mood to do so. these few days, have been, rough to say the least. emotional roller coaster, filled with sadness, pain and anger, jealousy? i have just so much to say, to rant, that i dont know where to start.

im hurting deep inside, though you all do not know. you all think i wanted this? you think i wanted it to come to this? its even harder for me to let go! what the hell, this isnt what i wanted in the first place, just you know, i held on for long. okay, i did, i tried. now you tell me I AM NOT TRYING TO HELP MYSELF? you dont know how much that hurts. every night, i tell myself, to be strong, but my eyes, disobey my every command. my tear stained pillow case):

and you know what, if it makes you feel better, just shout at me. blame me when i was just trying to help. i dont know why you even offered to walk with me when you just wanted to show me how pissed you were with me? you think i wanted this to happen? i want those times again, when we could just share everything, no mysterious cover ups, no i'll tell you later or im not ready. this was never what i wanted. i just wanted to help you all get back, even if its not possible for me.

what makes me so mad, is how you just pull the people i have left away from me. its like you just take pleasure in my pain. but just to let you know, i already hurt, from whatever has happened between all of us so far. so you can stop trying so hard to do so. just take them all one by one, childish, immature, but if it makes you any better than fine.

talked today after commend prac, will, i guess its all MY fault the way things have turned out. its me! ME ME ME. me who went overboard with jokes, me who neglected you all, me who just wasnt good enough. im sorry okay, but i did try. i really did, its okay if you dont believe, but i have to move on.

right now, more than ever, i just need someone to love, care and be good to. i just need someone to be there! and i need someone to love me! i want to feel happy again. just love me, hug me. anything! i want to have someone again. im more alone than ever. i hurt more than you think. all this pain and anger i feel, i hope you all notice, is because deep inside i care for you, or at least cared for you. its a rage, fury or anger, derived from love. i just wished things were how it was 1 month ago(: breezer in the backyard, songs in the lounge, jumping around in a single bed. i just wished it'll be okay for all of us. but i just wished, you all wouldnt hurt me so. why kick a fallen man. he's on the floor already.

give me back the time we had

black&white ; 11:50 PM